This is a common problem for people who are more evolved/understanding than their partner. We can often understand the needs, values and worldviews of our partner, but he or she can not see and accept ours. This is because the Ego, our self identity and separate sense of self, always wants to be right from its perspective and defends itself. It also tries to avoid emotional pain and often lashes out or becomes passive agressive to make other people suffer when it is hurting. This is neither your nor your partner’s fault. The unique challenge in love relationships is that we are especially vulnerable, and that discrepancies between our values/words and actions/behavior are on full display. So even if you try to avoid conflict by letting your partner be right and not trigger his wounds by your actions, or allowing yourself to get triggered by his pain and provocations, it is much harder to keep your cool and compromise your values and behavior. For example; years ago I had a girlfriend who was very jealous. I was part of a spiritual community where I often met former girlfriends and hugged and talked with them. She got very upset and thought my behavior was inappropriate, rude and insensitive, and asked me to stop. Even though I could understand and feel where she was coming from, it conflicted with my and the values of the community to deal with jealousy and to stay loving towards everyone. This is when I realized that we need to be with a partner who is at the same level of development and emotional intelligence as we are. After she broke up with me, I wrote my first book Integral Relationships that looks at relationships from a developmental perspective.


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