A Manual For Men
It’s a terrific book, Buddy. The more and more I read, the more and more I was just really astounded how much territory you cover. I will read sections of the book and hopefully people will get a sense of just how complete this thing is. Honestly, I haven’t seen anything quite like it [chuckles]—it’s very impressive.
Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men is an astonishingly complete manual for men based on virtually all the elements of the Integral model, in itself a remarkable feat. And the advice is truly sound. A great book!
The book has also helped me in my personal affairs.
I was anxious to use some of the things I have learned from your book in our workshop. I explained the five stages of sexuality development related to five stages of anima and animus complex development. It fitted very well with the previous work and the attendants really enjoyed the explanation. I am going to use other parts for the next workshops.The book has also helped me in my personal affairs. As I wrote you at the end of July, I was in a crisis with my wife; the book has put light in some aspects that were my responsibility, reminded me in a very articulate manner what is the ultimate goal of a relationship and thus has given me help for a better resolution for both. As you recommend in the beginning, I have not shared (all) content of the book with her; that was a good advice for someone so theoretical as myself; good to make me aware that my wife needs something different from me, not only sharing my readings with her.
"You have completed an epic yet accessible piece of work here Martin - on a very complicated topic! Of course much of it was gleaned from Ken Wilber's books which I have read, so I was not daunted by the subject. So Congratulations!
However, if your book was a mere regurgitating of Wilber I still would have appreciated your succinct style. But it was not - you gave me new facets to think about and for that I am deeply appreciative. Such as the green pagan aspects of SD that could be fun for me to explore, the green man exploring his feminine side which has left me wanting and my own inclination to never be in an intimate relationship again. I also appreciated your workhorse extensive bibliography it will give me many new books to investigate!
I was dismayed to see how much you referenced the book "How to Improve Your Marriage without talking about it". I have never read the book of course, because I want to be in denial that COMMUNICATION improves the relationship. But my past experience has only proven me so WRONG! about this! (I am laughing at myself right now about this...in a sad, but glad to be recognizing it way... ) I know that in my relationships were about men "not listening!" and they only noticed I was serious when I took action.
So THANK YOU! for your momentumental effort and I hope this rockets a career for you because the world needs this wisdom. Many Good Blessings to you Martin. Take care."
Let me begin by saying "Great Job!". I REALLY enjoyed your effort. It was everything I thought it would be and much more. It validated what little I had previously come to myself, and then greatly expanded my understanding at the same time. I know writing it was a labor of love (or, as you write in the preface, a labor of rejection), but I can see why it took you 4 years to complete. Prior to your work, I considered David Deida's "The Way of the Superior Man..." to be the best book out there on understanding relationships. He, like you, didn't pull any punches. But now your book gets top honors with me. And let me compliment your command of English. Being from Germany, I realize it's a second language for you. You write better than many Americans.
This book ROCKS. I couldn't put it down.
I think I read the first 50 pages in the first sitting. Then a couple weeks ago I heard the interview with Ken Wilber and couldn't stop laughing as he took the words right out of my mouth at the beginning...."I've never seen anything quite like it." So much of the book helped to make sense of my past relationships, especially the matrix on page 154. "Oh my God.... well no wonder...!" 2002 me at green dating red... on the surface it LOOKED like green... Thank You. Congrats on your exceptional work and on all you are doing.
I saw Integral Relationships on Facebook and liked the looks of it and ordered it. I read it cover to cover and think it’s one of the best books I have read in 10 years. The two books I order now are for my two daughters. One is turning 16 soon and the other is turning 14 soon. They may seen young for it, but I want them to get a head-start on relationships on a higher level. I wish I had this book 20 years ago.
"I got your book the day after your last email and since then I've probably read it 5 times. I've highlighted all over it and made it my own. Incredible feat with this book, my man.
I have learned so much from it, and I know that with this new level of understanding, I can take my own love life to the next level and help others accomplish the same thing as well. Your book clearly explained and put in place many of the concepts that had been floating around in my head for some time now. As a result, I had quite a few "Ah ha!" moments that have permanently altered my perspective on intimate relationships."
I really can't thank you enough:
"I'm getting a copy of Integral Relationships for the birthday of my teacher, colleague, and friend, Kimberley. Kimberley and I run a 3-body yoga training school. She and her partner teach about spiritual partnerships in New York City regularly. I know she will love your book. I've also recommended it to another colleague of ours who is currently writing a book on enlightened divorce. I told her that if she doesn't include your perspective in her book, it will quickly become outdated.
I want to take a moment to tell you what wonderful work you are doing. Your book was the key factor in helping me overcome devastation after my breakup this past April. Because of your book I was able to see that the root of the problem between me and my former partner was that he had entered his stage 4 of his anima development. I went through this stage in my teens, and finally was able to relate with what he was going through and empathize.
Now our communications are much more positive and feelings much less hurt. And, thanks to your book, I think I will actually be able to avoid making a similar mistake in the future by more correctly identifying the developmental levels and growth potential of possible partners. I really can't thank you enough. I have a strong personal ambition to reach mastery on the subject of integral relationships. I feel that it is a calling of mine. If there is ever any way that you think I could help with your project, please get in touch. I live in Tucson and in addition to running the yoga school I teach meditation and buddhist scripture courses regularly.”
Your book represents a major contribution to the "relationship" aspect of living an Integral life. It stands tall among the bulk of the immature or simplistic blather being written as relationship advice today. The parts of your book that I read are clearly, intelligently and comprehensively written and I trust that the specific advice that you give later on in the book is just as thoughtful, practical and effective. It is a "nuts and bolts" manual for people who want to move in the direction of Integral Living in all areas of their lives but especially in that most critical area of their intimate relationships, which can be a source of such joy but often entails as well some of the most miserable periods of our lives (I know, I lived through a painful, unexpected breakup as well!). So it is a perfect addition to the ITP/ILP for anyone wanting a guide and resource for creating or transforming their intimate relationships. I must admit, though, that I am prejudiced because to me, anything less than an Integral perspective of ANY topic is not even worth consideration.
You’ve done an impressive job:
I read the pages you suggested and am impressed by your scholarship! You must be one of the first people in history to put the postmodern predicament as it relates to sex and romance on the integral map, and you’ve done an impressive job. I don’t have any particular feedback to give you. It was clear that your ideas regarding what truly evolved transpersonal relationships would actually look like were somewhat speculative, but what else could they be? We’re not there yet….
After a bit of a dry start the book comes alive when you give real life examples of the various stages and stage combinations. Actually, it fills the vacuum created by the book SEX, GOD & GENDER that Ken Wilber announced around 1997 as volume 2 of his Kosmos Trilogy but which will probably never see the light of day – as will volume 3, for that matter. But your book is probably more practical and helpful given Wilber’s sweeping style of writing. I found the transcend/include vs. transcend/exclude (e.g. dissociate?) gender difference interesting, as well as your stress on the paramount role of sexual selection during consciousness evolution.
I read "Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men" this morning and found it to be an insightful and powerful application of the Integral model to what has to be the most compelling developmental topic in the world. I especially appreciated your straightforward and candid style; it was refreshing in a landscape littered with cloying fluff.
A giant compliment in itself:
I have only glanced over your book but find it intriguing enough to add to our library of carefully selected relationship books as we enter into the process of writing our own, which is a giant compliment in itself -- you know how much is out there.
I recently purchased two more copies of "Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men" for friends of mine. It is one thing to be familiar with Integral Theory. That is beneficial and life changing as it is. But it is quite another to (finally!) be directed to application, and especially in relationships. Thank you for writing this book. My wife would thank you as well, but she thinks all of this new relational expertise is of my own doing!
I am reading your book for the second time this time more carefully.
I am so impressed with your book… it has given me so much to think about personally. It felt like this book was specifically written for ME (in spite of the fact that you said it was for MEN ONLY). This is the best relationship book I have ever read no kidding. NO HOGWASH, NO CONDENSCENDING CRAP ABOUT WOMEN AND THEIR BEHAVIOR EVEN THOUGH THIS IS A BOOK FOR MEN. The real deal….. I don’t know if it’s timing, but it has helped me personally identify where I want to be EXACTLY in my own life. This is the first book that has opened up my mind to further possibilities…. AWESOME. THANK YOU.
I was an editor for graduate students throughout my (extended) tour as a grad student, and I cannot tell you how wonderful it is to read your writing just from a grammar and concept organization standpoint!!! To then realize what you have lived and read to be able to speak from such a coherent place is... well... profound. I bow to you for metabolizing this work and offering it back to men, in particular, in concise, accessible doses. You are presenting the world with an invaluable and timely gift. Thank you!
"I said it once, and I'm to saying it again... this book, Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men, is a must, must, must read for men AND women! I hope it becomes a favorite, well-worn accompaniment to coffee tables across the globe. ~moi, whose MA in Marriage and Family Therapy underwhelms by comparison.
Integral Relationships is one of the most important books I have ever read in my life and I am a guy with 4000 books in his personal library. Bravo! I will review it on my blog one day but at the moment I am processing it very slowly. I really regret not having this when in my 20s, so much pain and heartbreak over the years could have been avoided. I have been doing a lot of thinking about these things, and unless Sigma Tiger men take away the supposed power and attractiveness of Alpha Lion types, the current dysfunction of gender relationships will persist. Your book has made my life so much easier, for now I know what sort of person is optimal for me and how I need to go about it, instead of having my heart torn out at predictable intervals. Much appreciated, and more power to you.
Relationships aren't an isolated phenomenon:
I have always thought relationship books are weird: This is the first time I have read a relationship or self help book. Strangely, when I started reading it, the thought never crossed my mind that it was a relationship book. God knows what I was thinking because if I had thought about it, I would never have read it. I have always thought relationship books are weird. Now that I have read it, I am glad I did. It's unlike whatever I thought a relationship book might be. Relationships aren't an isolated phenomenon. Martin Ucik showed me how to really integrate relationships with everything else in my life. It's a book for everyone. Even people who are not in an intimate relationship because this book doesn't just talk about relationships, it talks about everything.
Martin Uciks Integral Relationships ist ein wunderbares Buch und unbedingt zu empfehlen, nicht nur für Männer sondern für alle Menschen die sich für ein Leben-in-Beziehung interessieren."
... a very intelligent, original, enlightening, and well-written analysis of male-female relationships as they are experienced in our contemporary culture.After reading this book, one is left with an acute sense of the difficulties of human love, but also with a vision of the ideal worth striving for: a personal love relationship that Ucik simply but profoundly calls--following Wilber--Integral. (Read full review)
I bought a copy as a wedding present:
I was so impressed with Integral Relationships: A Manual for Men that I bought a copy as a wedding present for a friend who is also a member of the Atlanta Integral group. We are trying to gather together a group of local men to read and discuss your book.
Nobody had the courage to just say it like it is!
Your book has added clarity and understanding concerning the dynamics of my relationship and has propelled me to take big brave steps in my life. As you wrote: The conflicts between partners who have grown apart or realize that they are at different stages of development once the "love-struck phase" is over can't be simply solved through better communication or other means of reconciliation. Their relationships are basically doomed--sorry. Thank you for being so direct and clear with the above statement, it really helped me heal and move forward - I grew tired of being hopeful with all the different texts and self-help books; nobody had the courage to just say it like it is!
I love your book and have suggested it to the New York Integral community. It is one of the best ways to get introduced to--or revisit--Integral theory. I am a librarian and experiment with different representations of information. I have found that people who find Wilber intimidating, but want to learn about relationships, can do both from your book and become a little bit more Integral in the process. Bows. Maybe now I can better appreciate that "choices" in relationships are based on the capacity to simultaneously hold multiple perspectives, and also on the mutual interactions of levels of development (preconventional, conventional, postconventional) in important lines/intelligences/potentials that Wilber identifies.
The material has stirred up much inner movement: "I’ve recently finished your book and all I can say is thank you so much! I can tell that you have a profound interest and passion for evolutionary relationships. The material has stirred up much inner movement that I'm still trying to digest. When I've processed my reactions to the level that I can actually verbalize them then I'd like to have a chat with you.”
Read this book!Great. Finally. Martin Ucik has written a manual for understanding the complex, relational world we live in. Utilizing a wide spectrum approach including Ken Wilber's integral model of consciousness development, Ucik describes the levels of complexity that make relationships heavenly and hell-like. In heaven? Sit back and enjoy it. Hell? Read this book. (From amazon.com)
Don't pass this book up! I am both humbled and inspired by Martin's work. As a 50 year old woman who has been dating for a number of years I gained much insight as to how "I" was showing up and who I was attempting to relate to and co-create a life with. This book has added many new perspectives to my life and enlightened me on areas that are not an option for me now when choosing a man to be emotionally and physically intimate with. I really hope women will not pass this book up, as it is written for men. If men and women would take the time to read this book, there would be more love, understanding, compassion and peace in our relationships. Water really does seek its own level.Thank You Martin Ucik. (From amazon.com)
This is really useful!"I've just been glancing at some sections of your book and find it to be really useful. No wonder it took you 3-4 years to put this together. Listen, pal, this book is a real contribution to understanding life on this planet.If dealing with women sometimes leaves you feeling like you're in a dense jungle, this may very well be your machete to daylight."
Every profound sentence was well earned: I have read dozens of relationship books over several decades as a Psychotherapist and Life Coach. Integral Relationships is unique in how comprehensive, inclusive and deep it addresses relationships. It was a brilliant idea to apply Ken Wilber's model to intimate relationships and I can tell every profound sentence was well earned. Helping Men and Women put a structure to better understanding our levels of consciousness and how they impact our relationships is invaluable and enjoyable to read!
I finished to read your book a while ago - invaluable contribution to the integral theory, greatly illuminating, deep and thorough!
The other thing that your book has given me is another doorway into Integral Theory. I was first exposed to Integral in 2008 and, while the concepts have resonated deeply, I have had difficulty studying the material in any depth because it’s always felt too “heady” and academic for me. Yet, in the first two chapters of your book, it started to come together for me. I don’t dare say that “I get it!” yet, but it’s much more clear to me how it all fits together – in the context of relationship. Wishing you all the best and much success with your book!
I really can't thank you enough:I was slightly sad when the book was over!I am quite impressed by your book, and not at all surprised that it took four years to write. Some of it read easy and natural to me, like the evolution of love, and chapters 3 and 12. I liked the interpretations on pages 139-150. A good example is always so helpful to me. I like the colors for the levels. The part introducing the polarities was really hard going for me at first, but after repeated readings became one of the best parts for me. I had a harder time with part 2, especially with holons, even though I reread it many times. I also struggled with the section on spiritual development. Something especially thought provoking to me is the idea that a good relationship is the best place to heal old wounds, to be lovingly challenged. I ignored the part in bold type saying For Men Only; there were only a few places where I felt men only would be best. What a unique experience you offer to a woman who wants to know what kind of relationship you dream of: a 200 page explanation! I was slightly sad when the book was over, this means that I feel inspired to read further.
I'm really impressed with the footnotes, references, and the overall research you've put into this book. It's an outstanding read so far. I've actually been reading the book with my girlfriend so it's been slow going because we don't have a ton of leisure time together. We are about 1/3 of the way through so far and are loving it. Fun!
Eternally Grateful! I'm so happy to report that I've started what we hope will be a long-term relationship. Our relationship matches the vision of integral relationships that I pictured while hiking with you. He meets me at every level, and we act as equal but opposite partners. And I didn't even have to give up the primary fantasy. All this would not have been possible without learning everything I learned from you. I am eternally grateful.
It worked for me! Integral Relationships is a great, witty, easy to relate to, love survival manual for men. By the time I finished reading it I knew a lot more about myself, women, and Ken Wilber's Integral philosophy.
One of the first relationship books that makes sense to me: This “curious woman” is a grateful one! I just finished reading the first two chapters of your book. While it’s a manual intended for men, I do have to tell you that it’s one of the first relationship books I’ve opened that makes sense to me. And, I really appreciate reading from the man’s/male perspective. I’ve downloaded your book onto my Kindle and look forward to reading the rest. Thank you for investing your time, thought, and energy into this project. Seeing the number of endnotes as I was reading, it was clear that this was no small feat.
I devoured your book. It clarifies so much that I sensed in an inarticulate way. Looking backward, it helps me speak to why, for example, my earlier leap to a green/teal work life followed by my present remedial bright orange job sends such incorrect signals to so many people, particularly women. Looking forward, it helps me envision where I want to grow both individually and in partnership. It is inspirational. Having gorged myself on it, I will now go back and savor some of the tasty bits again as well as chewing thoughtfully on some of the parts that went down whole the first time because of my desire to consume it all. Thank you for your massive and masterful work.
Thank you very much for your book, which I have found profound and inspiring.