Being able to feel emotions is part of what makes us human. So yes, they are inevitable. Primary emotions evolved in response to an unsupportive environment, caregiver failure and adverse experiences that we faced during our childhood and became ‘hardwired’ in the amygdala of our brains as complex developmental trauma. They are commonly identified as sadness, disgust, fear, anger, and shame with corresponding facial expressions and bodily fight, flight, freeze and fawn reactions that are universally recognized. There are many layers of more subtle feeling such as pride, boredom, frustration, longing, desperation, etc. that developed in response to our unmet “being needs”. Trying to get rid of negative or painful emotions and feelings through repression, dissociation, or splitting does not work, as they will eventually leak out in uncontrolled ways that limit us and cause harm to others. Emotional distancing also makes us unavailable to joyful “positive” emotions and prevents us from showing empathy, compassion, care and love for ourselves and others, which is of course essential for healthy integral relationships. Thus, it is important to become emotionally intelligent and available by learning to stay present with all our feelings and emotions, to identify them accurately, to own them as our reaction to other people’s reality and an unsupportive environment, and to express them in non-judgmental, non-violent, compassionate, authentic ways instead of blaming and judging ourselves or projecting them onto others. This way, we can use feelings and emotions as important information for making different choices that move us from fear, shame and pride to authentic connection, attunment to our needs, trust, autonomy, and loving relationships with a vital sexuality, and thus feeling fully alive.
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