Short Table of Contents
List of Figures xxv
List of Tables xxxi
Acknowledgments xxxiii
Introduction xxxvii
How I Came to Write This Book xxxix
Chapter 1
Overview of the Integral Love Relationship (ILR) Model 1
Part 1 – Sex 11
Chapter 2 How we got here 13
Chapter 3 Four Dimensions of our Being 17
Chapter 4 Human Intelligences, Capacities and Potentials 39
Chapter 5 Levels of Growth 43
Chapter 6 States of Falling in Love 83
Chapter 7 Evaluating Personality Types 87
Chapter 8 Personality Matrix 101
Chapter 9 Coming together 107
Conclusion Part 1 135
Part 2 – Purpose 137
Chapter 10 Meaning-Making 141
Chapter 11 Biological Purpose 173
Chapter 12 Natural Talents 205
Chapter 13 Transcendental Purpose 229
Chapter 14 Sharing our Transcendental Purpose 299
Conclusion Part 2 319
Part 3 – Love 321
Chapter 15 The Dialectic of Desire 323
Chapter 16 Transcendental Love 379
Conclusion Part 3 389
Part 4 – Making the World a Better Place 391
Chapter 17 Global Challenges 393
Chapter 18 Sexual Selection, Co-Creation and Procreation 403
Chapter 19 Integral Couples Creating a Better World 447
Chapter 20 Summary and Conclusion 465
Appendix 1 Birth Rates and Society 475
Appendix 2 Birthrates and Consciousness Development 485
Bibliography 509
Endnotes 533
Index 757
Detailed Table of Contents
List of Figures xxv
List of Tables xxxi
Acknowledgments xxxiii
Introduction xxxvii
How I Came to Write This Book xxxix
Four Additional Insights xlviii
First Insight xlviii
Second Insight l
Third Insight lii
Fourth Insight liv
Chapter 1
Overview of the Integral Love Relationship (ILR) Model 1
The Four Components the ILR Model 1
Sex 1
Purpose 3
Love 4
A Better World 5
A Note on How to Work with the Model 9
Part 1 – Sex 11
Chapter 2 How we got here 13
Chapter 3 Four Dimensions of our Being 17
The Four Quadrants 17
Experiencing the Quadrants 20
Where is your focus? 21
Quadrant Absolutism 22
Love in All Four Quadrants 22
Sexual Attraction and Primary Fantasy 24
Fear-Shame Dynamic 26
Romance and Secondary Fantasies 28
Dating 29
Always Partial Already Whole 30
Different Holons 31
Feminine/Masculine Polarities 32
Ascending 34
Descending 34
Agency 35
Communion 35
Balance and Harmonize 36
In Summary 38
Chapter 4 Human Intelligences, Capacities and Potentials 39
In Summary 41
Chapter 5 Levels of Growth 43
Consciousness Development (Colors) 43
The Eight Stages of Consciousness Development and Their Colors 45
The Six Levels of First-tier Consciousness 46
Pre-conventional stages 46
- Infrared—archaic—dead or alive 46
- Magenta—magic/superstitious—safe or unsafe 47
- Red—egocentric—good or bad 48
Conventional Stages 48
- Amber—mythic—right or wrong 49
- Orange—rational—win or lose 50
Post-conventional Stage 52
- Green—pluralistic—sensitive or indifferent 52
The Two Stages of Second-tier Consciousness 54
Post-Post Conventional 54
- Teal—Integral—integrated or partial 55
- Turquoise—transpersonal—wisdom and compassion 56
Summary of the Levels of Consciousness 57
Transcend and Include/Exclude 58
Compatibility Matrix 60
Spiritual Development 62
State-Stages 63
- Gross/Waking 64
- Subtle/Dreaming 65
- Causal/Deep Sleep 66
- Pure Witness 67
- Non-dual 68
Spiritual Bypassing 69
Development of Sexuality 69
- Repressed Sexuality 69
- Fucking 70
- Having Sex 70
- Lovemaking 71
- Transcendent Sex 72
Anima and Animus Complex Development 73
Stages of Anima Development in Men 74
1 Women as mother 74
2 Women as sex object 74
3 Women as wife 74
4 Women as guide to creativity and awakening 75
5 Women as equal partner 76
Stages of Animus Development in Women 76
1 Men as alien outsiders 76
2 Men as father, God, or king 77
3 Men as hero 78
4 Men as independent beings 79
5 Men as equal partners 80
In Summary 81
Chapter 6 States of Falling in Love 83
Phase 1 – Lust 83
Phase 2 – Romance 84
Phase 3 – Commitment 85
In Summary 86
Chapter 7 Evaluating Personality Types 87
NLP Types 87
Five Love Languages 88
The Enneagram 89
The Nine Enneagram Types 90
- The reformer, judge, perfectionist 90
- The helper, giver, caretaker 90
- The achiever, performer, status seeker 90
- The individualist, romantic, aesthete 91
- The investigator, expert, thinker 91
- The loyalist, hero, rebel, defender 91
- The enthusiast, adventurer, sensationalist 91
- The challenger, boss, maverick 91
- The peacemaker, mediator, preservationist 91
The Enneagram Compatibility Combinations 92
Three Instinctual Variants 92
Self-Preservation 92
Social 93
Sexual/Attraction 93
Myers-Briggs 94
Introvert and Extrovert 94
Sensing and Intuition 95
Thinking and Feeling 95
Judging and Perceiving 95
Combinations 95
Attachment Type/Style 96
Securely attached 96
Anxiously attached 97
Avoidant 97
Anxious-Avoidant 98
Becoming Secure 99
Other Typologies 100
In Summary 100
Chapter 8 Personality Matrix 101
Stages of Consciousness 102
Feminine/Masculine 103
State/Stages 104
Types 104
What Is The Kosmic Address? 104
In Summary 105
Chapter 9 Coming together 107
Dependence and The Unconscious 108
The Unconscious Fit 111
Romancing the Unconscious 112
Personality Disorders 113
Histrionic Personality Disorder (HPD) 115
Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) 116
Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) 117
In Relationships 119
Other Personality Disorders 121
Paranoid personality disorder (PPD) 121
Schizoid personality disorder (SPD) 122
Schizotypal Personality Disorder (STPD) 122
Antisocial Personality Disorder (ASPD), 122
Avoidant Personality Disorder (APD) 122
Dependent Personality Disorder (DPD), 123
Obsessive–Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD) 123
Numbers 123
The Eight Forms of Love 125
Combinations 129
Intensities of Love 130
Three Sets of Dual Triangles 131
Diverging Triangles 132
To Be or Not To Be — That Is the Question 132
In Summary 134
Conclusion Part 1 135
Part 2 – Purpose 137
Two kinds of purpose 139
Chapter 10 Meaning-Making 141
Three Core Beliefs 142
Creationism 143
Evolutionary Theory 145
Cosmic Evolution 146
Biological Evolution 147
Emergence of Humans 149
Evolution of Consciousness 150
Evolutionary Critique and Morality 155
Intelligent Design 158
Combinations 160
Co-Creative Impulse 161
Existentialism 166
Integrating creationism, evolutionary theory, and Intelligent Design 168
In Summary 171
Chapter 11 Biological Purpose 173
Genes and Brains 174
Your Genetic Makeup 174
Developing your Brain 176
Brain Development Before Birth 176
Brain Development After Birth 180
Synaptic Formation, Pruning, Myelination 180
The Senses 181
Top-Down and Bottom-Up 182
Experience-Expectant Learning 187
Missing Experiences 188
Serve and Return 190
Neuroplasticity 191
Synaptic Pruning 192
Pruning in the Infant Brain 192
Pruning in the Maturing Brain 193
Glitchy Pruning 194
Myelination 194
Experience-Dependent Synaptic Formation 195
Brain Development and Purpose 196
Child Development 197
Sensorimotor stage 197
Pre-operational stage 197
Concrete-operational stage 198
Formal-operational stage 199
Puberty to Death 199
Survival and Safety 200
Mating and Procreating 201
Nuclear Family 202
Seeking Quality of Life 202
End of Life 203
In Summary 203
Chapter 12 Natural Talents 205
Benefits of Living our Transcendental Purpose 205
Four Basic Natural Talents 207
Genetic Predisposition 208
Sexual Selection 208
From Animal to Human 209
Stages and Natural Talents 211
From Magic to Egocentric 212
From Egocentric to Mythic/Conformist 213
From Mythic to Rational 213
From Rational to Pluralistic 214
From Pluralistic to Integral 215
From Integral to Transpersonal 216
EICK Curve 218
Family, Social and Cultural Environment 220
Natural Talent and Gender 222
The Tree Metaphor 223
The Mountain Metaphor 226
In Summary 227
Chapter 13 Transcendental Purpose 229
Seven steps to living our Transcendental Purpose 229
Step 1: Awakening to our Transcendental Purpose 230
Spiritual vs. Purpose Awakening 232
Step 2: Removing Psychological Blocks 234
Voice Dialog 235
Big Mind Process 236
Voices of the Self 236
The Dialog 237
Immunity to Change 239
Phase 1: List your improvement goal 240
Phase 2: Identify behaviors that keep you from your goal 240
Phase 3: Discover your competing commitments 241
Phase 4: Identify your big assumptions 241
Making use of what you’ve learned 241
Step 3: Identifying Natural Talents and Purpose 242
Natural Talents and Core Beliefs 242
Creationists 242
Evolutionary Theorists 242
Intelligent Design 243
Four Types of Purpose Discovery Methods 244
Method Type 1: Autobiographical Methods 244
Method Type 2: Absent Methods 246
Purpose Guiding Process 247
Care of the Soul 247
Prepare for the Journey 247
Default Purpose 248
Discern your Purpose 248
Encountering Resistance 248
Evolutionary Spirituality 249
Soul-Quest Preparation 249
Receiving Soul 249
High Definition Purpose (The Giveaway) 250
Acting Purposefully 250
Soul-Quest Incorporation 250
Embodiment 250
Theory U 251
Eight Principles of Presencing 253
Conclusion 256
Method Type 3: Ego-Transcending Methods 256
God’s Purpose 258
God’s Will 261
Evolutions Purpose 263
Nature’s Purpose 264
Essential Purpose 266
Method Type 4: Ego-Affirming Methods 268
Light’s Purpose 269
Universe’s Purpose 271
Multitude of Expressions 273
Mind Map 277
Step 4: Developing Skills 278
Step 5: Serving Needs and Providing Value 280
Providing Value 283
Step 6: Increasing Impact 284
Altitude 285
Depth 286
Gross 286
Subtle 287
Causal 288
Pure Witness 289
Non-Dual 289
Calling 290
No Calling 290
Called to Maintain 291
Called to Innovate 291
Called to Invent 292
Conclusion 293
Step 7: Identifying Stages of Maturity 293
In Summary 296
Chapter 14 Sharing our Transcendental Purpose 299
Creating Synergy 300
Synergy Between Quadrants 300
Synergy Between Feminine and Masculine Polarities 303
Balancing and Harmonizing 306
Synergy Between Complementary Natural Talents 307
Valid Claims 309
Vision-Mission-Values-Goals-Strategy 311
Vision 311
Mission 311
Values 312
Goals 315
Strategy 315
Action Items 316
Evaluation Check Points 316
Consequences 316
Now What? 316
In Summary 317
Conclusion Part 2 319
Part 3 – Love 321
Chapter 15 The Dialectic of Desire 323
Transactional Dialectic of Love 324
The Chakra-Consciousness Lattice 328
Chakras, Levels, and Quadrants 329
1st Root Chakra Female Desire – Survival 332
Fear-Shame Dynamic 335
Unconscious 336
2nd Sacrum Chakra Male Desire – Sex 336
Fear-Shame 339
Unconscious 340
First – Second Chakra Co-Creation 340
3rd Solarplexus Chakra Female Desire – Safety and Significance 340
Fear/ Shame 344
Unconscious 345
4th Heart Chakra male desire – Compassion and Appreciation 345
Fear-Shame 349
Unconscious 349
Third – Fourth Chakra Co-Creation 349
5th Throat Chakra Female Desire – Creativity 350
Fear-Shame 353
Unconscious 354
6th Third Eye Chakra Male Desire – Wisdom and Intuition 354
Fear-Shame 357
Unconscious 358
Fifth – Sixth Chakra Co-Creation 358
7th Crown Chakra – Unity 359
Fear-Shame 365
Fear-Shame 365
Unconscious 365
Seventh Chakra Co-Creation 366
Balancing Feminine/Masculine Polarities Along the Seven Chakras 366
Root “Survival” Chakra 366
Sacrum “Sexual” Chakra 367
Solarplexus “Power” Chakra 367
Heart “Compassion” Chakra 368
Throat “Creative” Chakra 369
Sixth “Wisdom” Chakra 369
Seventh “Unity” Chakra 370
Capacity to love 370
Master-Slave Relationships 373
In Summary 377
Chapter 16 Transcendental Love 379
First and Second Chakra 381
Third and Fourth Chakra 382
Fifth and Sixth Chakra 383
Seventh Chakra 384
In Summary 386
Conclusion Part 3 389
Part 4 – Making the World a Better Place 391
Chapter 17 Global Challenges 393
- Sustainable development and climate change 394
- Clean Water 395
- Population and resources 395
- Democratization 395
- Global foresight and decision-making 396
- Global convergence of IT 396
- Rich – poor gap 397
- Health issues 397
- Education and learning 397
- Peace and conflict 398
- Status of women 399
- Transnational organized crime 399
- Energy 400
- Science and technology 400
- Global Ethics 401
In Summary 401
Chapter 18 Sexual Selection, Co-Creation and Procreation 403
Sexual Selection Revisited 403
Sex and Progress 405
Archaic Infrared 406
Problem 406
Solution: Magic Magenta 406
New Problems 407
Solution: Egocentric Red 407
New Problems: 409
Solution: Mythic Amber 409
New Problems 411
Solution: Rational Orange 412
New Problems 419
Solution: Pluralistic Green 419
New Problems 422
Solution: Integral Teal 423
New Problems 424
Adaptation 425
Birthrates and Center of Gravity 427
Raising Consciousness through Magical Thinking 429
Social Atomism and Macro Subject 431
Lifeworld and System 432
Bulwark against Encroachment 433
Holons Revisited 435
Size, Span, and Depth 437
Size 438
Span 438
Depth 439
Depth of Individual and Social Holons 440
Collapse of Societies 444
In Summary 444
Chapter 19 Integral Couples Creating a Better World 447
Things that are Getting Better, Things that are Getting Worse 447
Things that are seemingly getting better 448
Things that are seen as getting worse 449
Primacy of Co-Creating and Procreating Couples 450
Holonic Structures Redefined 450
Evolving Integral Couples 454
Communicative Action 456
Integrated Compassionate Rational Communicative Action Model 459
In Summary 462
Chapter 20 Summary and Conclusion 465
Sex 465
Purpose 467
Love 468
A Better World 469
Conclusion 473
Appendix 1 Birth Rates and Society 475
World-Population 478
Over-aging Societies 483
Appendix 2 Birthrates and Consciousness Development 485
Birthrates and Income 485
Education, IQ and Fertility Rates 488
Fertility Rates and Political/Religious Affiliations 501
Bibliography 509
Endnotes 533
Index 757
List of Figures (Click here for all Figures/Images)
Figure 1. Sex, purpose and love creating a better world xxxix
Figure 2. Man surveying the heavens as the planet disintegrates xliii
Figure 3. Sex component of the ILR model 2
Figure 4. Purpose component of the ILR model 3
Figure 5. Love component of the ILR model 5
Figure 6. Making the world a better place – the final component of the ILR model 6
Figure 7. The Entire ILR Model 8
Figure 8. Review of the Sex component of the ILR model 12
Figure 9. The four quadrants of the AQAL Model 17
Figure 10. The four quadrants in Relationships 23
Figure 11. Primary Sexual Fantasy Dynamic 26
Figure 12. Fear-Shame Downward Spiral 27
Figure 13. Example showing nested holons 31
Figure 14. The four polarities 33
Figure 15. Joke about divergent psychological complexity of men and women 59
Figure 16. Male-female dynamic in consciousness growth 60
Figure 17. The Enneagram 90
Figure 18. Attachment Styles 98
Figure 19. The Personality Matrix—allowing you to map your development 102
Figure 20. The Four Quadrants Revisited 108
Figure 21. The passion/intimacy/dependence Triangle 125
Figure 22. The eight forms of love 126
Figure 23. Each lover experiences the combination of passion, intimacy, and dependence. 130
Figure 24. Examples of differently shaped triangles of love 131
Figure 25. Examples showing two triangles overlaid to evaluate the form and quality of love that is experienced 131
Figure 26. Review of Purpose component of the ILR model 138
Figure 27. Gallup Poll showing different views about origin and development of humans 142
Figure 28. A current view of the temporal and geographical distribution of hominid populations. 150
Figure 29. Parts of the human brain 178
Figure 30. Optical illusion of straight vs crooked lines 183
Figure 31. Photo of Lincoln’s face, inverted 184
Figure 32. Photo of Lincoln’s face flipped right-side up 185
Figure 33. Optical illusion of two arrows 186
Figure 34. Optical illusion – young woman and old woman in a single image 187
Figure 35. Critical periods in brain development 189
Figure 36. Synaptic formation and pruning in the brain 193
Figure 37. Synapse formation 196
Figure 38. Age-related decline in formation of synapses 196
Figure 39. Brain plasticity and development 199
Figure 40. EICK curve as mountain metaphor 220
Figure 41. Tree metaphor with nature, nurture, skill development and expressions 225
Figure 42. The EICK curve as mountain metaphor with differently developed skills 227
Figure 43. Otto Scharmer model from Theory U 251
Figure 44. Scharmer and Kaufman – disconnects in humanity 252
Figure 45. Scharmer’s Theory U process 255
Figure 46. Sample mind map 277
Figure 47. Performance variation explained by deliberate practice 279
Figure 48. Plotkin’s eight soulcentric stages of human development 295
Figure 49. Four dimensions of Transcendental Purpose 301
Figure 50. The four quadrants revisited 302
Figure 51. Polarities and balance 306
Figure 52. EICK curve of partner one 309
Figure 53. EICK curve of partner two 309
Figure 54. Combined EICK curve of couple 309
Figure 55. Review of the Love component of the ILR model 322
Figure 56. Asymmetric Dialectic of Transactional Love 327
Figure 57. Chakras, human evolution and quadrants 330
Figure 58. Connecting with a partner at all chakras 381
Figure 59. Transcendental Love relationships 386
Figure 60. Review of Making the world a better place – the final component of the ILR model 392
Figure 61. Global challenges of our time 393
Figure 62. Dynamic of sexual selection 404
Figure 63. Nomadic tribes populating the planet 408
Figure 64. Couples balancing and harmonizing polarities 411
Figure 65. Population growth over time 412
Figure 66. Life expectancy over time 413
Figure 67. Planetary population over time 414
Figure 68. Demographic Transition Model 415
Figure 69. Societal models correlated with birth rates 416
Figure 70. Primary sexual fantasy dynamic 417
Figure 71. Couples co-creating fewer families with fewer children 418
Figure 72. Unsustainable communities 422
Figure 73. Integral communities 424
Figure 74. Graph showing adaptation and population from Archaic to Integral 425
Figure 75. Populations in various stages of evolution 428
Figure 76. Model of the connection between individuals, families, communities and system 435
Figure 77. Social and individual holons 437
Figure 78. Social holons and size 438
Figure 79. Social holons and span 439
Figure 80. Holons and depth 440
Figure 81. Individual and social holons in the world 442
Figure 82. Flourishing social holons 443
Figure 83. Holons in collapsing societies 444
Figure 84. Things that are getting better (Glenn and Florescu) 448
Figure 85. Things that are getting worse (Glenn and Florescu) 449
Figure 86. The “elephant curve” – income distribution over time 450
Figure 87. Assigning greatest depth to loving couples 452
Figure 88. Couples and holonic structures 453
Figure 89. Co-creating a new “social holon” through a committed monogamous Integral love relationship 455
Figure 90. Integrated Compassionate Rational Communicative Action Model 460
Figure 91. Communicative Action at the level of all seven chakras 461
Figure 92. Sex component of the ILR model 467
Figure 93. Purpose component of the ILR model 468
Figure 94. Love component of the ILR model 469
Figure 95. Making the world a better place – the final component of the ILR model 471
Figure 96. The Entire ILR Model 473
Figure 97. Couples with only one child correlated with the share of men caring for children 477
Figure 98. Couples with two or more children correlated with the share of men caring for children 477
Figure 99. Average number of children per woman across the world 478
Figure 100. Change in worldwide population growth over time 479
Figure 101. Three scenarios proposed by the United Nations for future population growth 479
Figure 102:.Population change for each continent over time 480
Figure 103. Change in fertility rates over time 481
Figure 104. Change in fertility rates in the US by race over time 481
Figure 105. Average of marriage and childbearing 482
Figure 106. Demographic changes in various countries over time 483
Figure 107. Fertility rates and energy consumption 484
Figure 108. US birthrate broken down by income 486
Figure 109. Economic mobility by income 486
Figure 110. Intergenerational income mobility 487
Figure 111. Daughters’ economic mobility for lower income Americans 487
Figure 112. Sons’ economic mobility for lower income Americans 488
Figure 113. Education and rates of childlessness 489
Figure 114. Change in SAT scores over time, broken down by race 489
Figure 115. SAT reading score broken down by parental income 490
Figure 116. SAT math score broken down by parental income 490
Figure 117. SAT writing score broken down by parental income 491
Figure 118. SAT reading score broken down by parental education level 491
Figure 119. SAT math score broken down by parental education level 492
Figure 120. SAT writing score broken down by parental education 492
Figure 121. How people self-identify as middle class 493
Figure 122. Income broken down by parents’ income at their children’s birth 494
Figure 123. Income of people who grew up near good schools 495
Figure 124. College completion rates broken down by income 496
Figure 125. Percentage of children attending college, broken down by parent income group 497
Figure 126. Children’s educational status versus parental educational status 498
Figure 127. Percentage of children attending elite colleges versus parental income 499
Figure 128. Legacy admission rates for top schools in the US 500
Figure 129. Odds of children achieving higher education levels than their parents, by country 501
Figure 130. Fertility rates vs conservative values 502
Figure 131. Marriage rates vs conservative values 503
Figure 132. Religious values and fertility rates 504
Figure 133. Fertility rates by religious affiliation 505
Figure 134. Projected trends in worldwide population growth 506
Figure 135. Projected change in US religious affiliations 2010-2050 507
Figure 136. A summary of spiritual levels in world religions 508
List of Tables (Click here for all Tables)
Table 1. Developmental stages, their colors, and proportions of U.S. population 58
Table 2. Compatibility Matrix for men and women at different levels of consciousness development 61
Table 3. Sample of identifying behaviors that keep you from your goals 240
Table 4. Human needs 281
Table 5. Needs and satisfiers 282
Table 6. List of capacities, values, and ideals 314
Table 7. Chakra-Consciousness Lattice 329
Table 8. Chakras and transcendental love 385