Learn and practice how to own your primary emotional fight, flight or freeze reactions to your partners reality instead of projecting them outward onto him or her (you are responsible for making me react/feel that way). Separate your observations from your emotions. Get in touch with the underlying vulnerable feelings that are protected by your primary emotional reactions. Take responsibility for your feelings by (re-)owning and disidentifying from them (I have feelings but I am not my feelings), instead of projecting, dissociating, repressing, denying, or splitting them off.
Once you feel more calm and more in tune with yourself, re-enter the communication with your partner in a way that is less protected and less attached to your unconscious defense mechanisms in an honest and vulnerable way.
The results of this “undefended love” approach of mutual sharing between couples are increasingly greater levels of inner peace and joy, and a deepening of intimacy, love, and connection with your partner if he or she is emotionally available, instead of fighting and separation. However, the “undefended love approach” does not mean to have weak, unhealthy, or porous boundaries, and to accept all kinds of abusive behavior, such as breaking agreements, taking advantage of you, or being intentionally physically or emotionally harmed by your partner. Instead, it allows us to heal our unconscious (including shadow) by creating a “coherent narrative” about our past.
Undefended Love Book
321 Shadow Process