We all have needs. Some have been identified as universal being-needs, such as sustenance, safety, affection, understanding, trust, or freedom. Others are more individual, for example acceptance, beauty, empathy, contribution, or companionship. I can send you a list of almost 100 needs that you can use to identify your own needs and those of a date or partner. 

In a healthy love relationship, partners communicate their needs and happily meet them for each other. If a need is not met, they separate their observations from their emotional reaction. This allows them to communicate their needs and own their feelings without judging or blaming. They can then either find ways to meet their needs, or, in the case of old childhood wounds, enter into a healing and awakening process in which they transform needs into wants, wants into desires, desires into preferences, and preferences into no preferences. This allows healthy couples to find solutions if there are conflicting needs, for example if one has a need for closeness and the other for autonomy.  

Neediness on the other side is blaming, judging and labeling our partner for causing us emotional pain by not meeting our needs, to make demands, and to punish him or her if they don’t change their behavior.


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