The first reason may be that you have different love languages. While yours may be touch and quality time, his may be gifts and words, or acts of service. I suggest that you both do a love languages test and talk about the results. You can then make a more conscious effort to meet each other’s love languages by exchanging lists with 30 or more things that make each of you feel loved, seen and cared for. Your partner may be more open to meet your needs when you also meet his. This can become a fun and bonding practice.

Other reasons may include that you are at different levels of sexual development, or have sexual blocks and trauma, differing cultural values and norms, shame and insecurity, lack of sexual polarity, unmet primary sexual fantasies, lack of time, or stress and conflict, which all lower sexual desire. These are all sensitive issues and can easily drive him into shame and feeling blamed or criticised if not addressed with sensitivity and compassion. The love languages test can be a non-threatening first step. Sharing your list may then lead to a deeper conversation that reveals the underlying reasons that you can address with each other, in our Integral Relationship Training, or with a trained therapist


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