Watch the replay of our Web Jam about this topic at https://youtu.be/8Ho20O9066Y
You can watch the full replay with comments at https://events.genndi.com/replay/169105139238472651/ae2efe76e3/0/0
Most people know about the statistics that couples in healthy happy love relationships/marriages (ideally with children) live longer, are physically and mentally healthier, have higher incomes, enjoy more fulfilling sex lives, have more legal rights, are less stressed/depressed/anxious, are more likely to become the person they want to be, and show less drug abuse and violence.
See for example https://blogs.webmd.com/art-of-relationships/2013/05/8-benefits-of-happy-relationships.html or https://www.webmd.com/sex-relationships/features/health-benefits#1.
Interestingly, these benefits are not enjoyed by singles with a network of friends!!!
Of course it is everyone's personal choice to stay single and not to develop the capacities to be in a healthy love relationship, find or attract a compatible partner, and take advantage of the many benefits that healthy love relationships offer.
However, there are also larger social consequences to the choice to being single:
First, it is more likely that we can effectively contribute to a more peaceful, sustainable and loving world, if we develop the capacity to love and get along with at least one person in a healthy love relationship.
Secondly, as Integral theory maintains, all structures, including social and cultural structures, are created by holons. To maintain healthy social and cultural structures requires most people to be in healthy love relationships and to have children.
Below is an image of such a holonic structure:
At the bottom we see what are called individual holons.
In our example, subatomic particles co-create atoms, atoms co-create molecules, molecules co-create cells and so on; all the way up to a human being such as you. Note that this all happens without your doing.
When holons at one level co-create or “love each other,” entirely new properties are formed through emergence as shown above. These new and larger properties may then in turn co-create the next level of complexity through emergence. This leads to the formation of natural-growth hierarchies/holarchies in which the higher levels are always more inclusive (they include all the lower levels) and more complex, and therefore have more “depth” or value. A cell has more complexity and depth than a molecule, and organs have more depth (they are more valuable or vital) than individual cells. On the other hand, organs depend on the existence of cells etc. Take all cells away, and there are no more organs.
Above the center line we see what are called social holons.
Integral theory maintains that social holons decrease in "depth" or value with their size, because they don’t create new unique properties (such as molecules do when they co-create cells), don’t increase in complexity (the interactions in an individual body, or even an airplane are arguably way more complex than the interactions between a couple or group of people), and social holons don’t increase in consciousness and agency as individual holons do as they increase in size. Integral therefore maintains that stacking social holons on top of individual holons, as shown above, is problematic or a fallacy, because the social holarchy of couples, families, communities, societies, and humanity are not co-created (or emerge) in the same way as individual holons do, such as cells that form tissues, that form organs, that form humans.
The reasoning behind the fallacy of stacking social holons on top of individual holons is threefold:
- Social holons have no single governing force, will, purpose, or “consciousness,” which Wilber sometimes calls a dominant monad, while social holons have no dominant monad but at best a shared resonance or “love” between them.
- Larger social holons can exist even if we remove the smaller holons that they are created from. For example, a community can exist without families.
- Individual holons can more or less autonomously form, join, or leave social holons, while this freedom of movement is not available to holons that are parts of individual holons.
In other words, in individual holons, each higher level is absolutely dependent on the existence of the lower levels (atoms are absolutely necessary to form molecules which are absolutely necessary to form organelles), which makes the lower levels fundamental and instrumental to the higher levels, assuring their increased intrinsic value or depth.
On the other hand, in social holons, each higher level is only relatively dependent on the existence of the lower levels—couples are not absolutely necessary for the existence of families or communities—which makes the lower levels only relatively fundamental and instrumental to the higher levels, decreasing their intrinsic value or depth.
Making this distinction between individual and social holons makes sense from a philosophical and short-term perspective. But there are some important flaws too in viewing all this too narrowly.
First of all, two adult humans are absolutely fundamental and instrumental to form a couple, even though they can break up and dissolve the couple holon.
Secondly, because only couples can conceive children, a certain number of couples and families are absolutely fundamental and instrumental in the long run to co-create communities, even though one could argue that females and sperm from the sperm bank are sufficient to produce offspring in the modern world. But even then, if all women would stop having children, the social holarchy would completely collapse within a generation, just as an individual holarchy would collapse and cease to exist if we would remove its fundamental constituent parts.
And thirdly, even though communities can exist for a while without couples and families, we know that they become vulnerable to destabilization and destruction.
The image below shows the holonic structure of most modern and postmodern societies with fewer couples, families and healthy communities, which negatively effects all people in these societies.
Seen from this perspective, it makes total sense (and is actually vital) to see that functioning social holons also depend on the presence of functioning parts with more span, even though the dynamics are different. In the long-run, thriving communities, flourishing societies, and peaceful nations depend on happy families formed by healthy couples in sustainable relationships.
We can therefore make an argument that developing the capacities to be in a healthy, sustainable love relationship, if possible with children, is also a social responsibility, and that love relationships matter for a better world and a peaceful and sustainable future for humanity.
Register at www.integralsingles.com if you want to find/attract a partner for an Integral Love Relationship or contact me for a FREE initial consultation.
Watch the replay of our first ILR Web Jam around this topic on 2/3/2018 here or on YouTube https://youtu.be/qBep7ZCB3UM.
Below are the comments from the show:
- Martin Ucik
OK ... Thank you and till next week.
- Martin Ucik
Thank you again! This was fun and exciting!
- Martin Ucik
I will end the Jam in one minute, so if you want to leave a final comment/message do it now.
- Martin Ucik
And you can watch the replay.
- Martin Ucik
Yes, every week.
- Anand
sorry i missed it .. hope it was good .. maybe next week .. iare you planning for every week?
- Eric
bye
- Martin Ucik
OK
- Alia
No I go to Canada that day. Sorry won't be here.
- Martin Ucik
Anand, we are only keeping the text messages going
- Alia
yep
- Martin Ucik
Thank you Alia... see you next week?!
- Anand
hi' its Anand its it still going .. joining late
- Eric
@Martin, thank you for your comments, we can pick that up another time. Thank you for hosting.
- Alia
Whatever the complexity of reasons, Martin, this was a gREAT idea.
- Alia
yes
- Martin Ucik
and second, so that we can connect and make connections around the globe.
- Eric
@Alia, let's connect separately. Available now?
- Martin Ucik
This is also the reason why I created the ILR Web Jam. First becuase I could not create a IR Group in Los Angeles... no Interest
- Alia
Or screenshots, yeah. Thanlks Eric. My platform guru.
- Martin Ucik
I have no other thoughts, other tan either creating a live for yourself if possible to be mobile, or to look for a woman who can move
- Eric
paste,
- Eric
Alia, tech note, there doesn't need to be a setting. Swipe and Past.
- Martin Ucik
Eric: Mobility of one partner is the key here.
- Alia
7 diehards here, or maybe they are away fromthe computer I'll drop out now. Hugs to you!
- Alia
I will email you about the chat issue I experienced. I wish we could save chat. Is that a setting you could enable?
- Martin Ucik
I stay a moment longer so you can comment
- Gudrun
Thank you!
- Carole
Bye Martin
- Eric
thank you
- Alia
Thanks for this Martin
- Lauren
Thank you!
- Amelia
Thanks so much!
- Lauren
I don't believe we've met Alia, nice to though!
- Alia
< 3
- Eric
Alia, yes, we know each other. Good to be here with you.
- Alia
Lauren and Eric are you my friends of those names?
- Sara
Martin, could you elaborate on why you think its important to be in relationship in order to grow spiritually?
- Belinda
I love your compassion. head, heart and body too, as you said -- embodied.
- Lauren
Alia I don't meanto relate from lower stages but as teal and turqouise are integrated systems and then wholes expressing all at once, different than locking on one stage.
- Eric
I'm curious about Integral Relationship/Dating relative to geography and logistics. This question is partly occasioned by Keith's comment about his Integral Singles matches being in countries on the other side of the world. As a matter of demographics, the percentage of people interested in this level of relating is relatively small. On a global scale, it is easy to find connections with others on the same wave-length. I have lots of great Integral friends on Facebook, for instance. But on a local level, living in a smaller town in the middle of the U.S., I really don't have that many people geographically close to me with whom I'd like to connect. It's possible to travel, of course, but people relocating to a prospective partner's location is not always that easy. Unless one is already located near select metro areas with a greater population of Integral folks, it creates something of a dilemma in meeting, dating, exploring a possible relationship. Thoughts?
- Mila
in between genders
- Eric
Acknowledging the comments being made before posing a question of my own. Yes, wanting to feel more Heart right now. A few breaths for that, before considering whether my question might have resonance for other....
- Mila
compassion is missing
- Alia
Yes, I see it that way Lauren. But not sustainable to be in a relationship where you are most or all of the time relating from a stage earlier than you are as your center of gravity.
- Mila
Carol, its not helpful to tell another what to do...especially beween genders
- Patricia
With out the balance of heart and head we are talking heads!
- Carole
Heart
- Carole
Stop thinking, breath, connect with your hearth and embrace our difference, please!
- Mila
perhaps we can talk about masculine/feminine that in each of us instead of men/women division,that brings personal reactive
- Lauren
Aren't 2nd tier and beyond, when healthy, integrating and expressing from the stage most appropriate to the context, relationship, etc.?
- Patricia
Male and females balance eachother
- Amelia
Transcend and include!
- Belinda
Yes, I resonate with what you're saying. 🙂
- Carole
turn off indeed!
- Amelia
Thanks Mila. xo
- Alia
Yes, Mila, that swing was clear in the original Spiral Dynamics. Warm colors are more we-oriented stages and they alternate with cooler more I oriented stages because the I and we also evolve through stages. One of m blogs is about that.
- Mila
and for men go into individual
- Mila
so for women its more natural to be with ..say for example in green
- Carole
To my delusional and limited point of view, this is not unifying men and women right now.
- Amelia
Mila, can you say more? I'm curious...
- Patricia
More heart less head!
- Alia
Martin, skipping Teal leads to ungrounded floating and therefore useless Turquoise!!!!!!!!!!!!!
- Patricia
Does it really matter what level the partners are on as long as they are awake and on the journey growing together!
- Mila
the stages looks a bit like interchange of individual/community
- P
Padraic to be accurate ! 🙂
- Alia
Why might I guess that P is Patrick, teee heeee
- Amelia
Note from Erik (we're on together): Integral Men have to get out of their Left Hemispheres and meditate on their hearts..."lose their minds and come their senses"
- P
can i just give a big shoutout for Green ! Allez le vert ...as Irealnd just kicked a last second drop kick to beat France in the 6 nations rugby opener ! 🙂
- Alia
The people I work with at enliveningedge.org are from all over the world and many are Teal into Turq of course with shadows. I am blessed with many friends in these stages. Not sure why
- Carole
I agree with Amelia
- Amelia
Yes, more embodied juicy integral men, please!
- Carole
means too hermetic
- Carole
To hermetic
- Carole
Not sure it is for me
- Carole
What a nice rainbow!
- Alia
yes yes Martin, that's why colors are warm and cool. Those jumps do happen.
- Alia
Keith my blog exploringsecondandthirdtier.blogspot.com is about Teal and Turpuoise as they show up in life and especially in "we"
- Alia
It took me out and started me over.
- Alia
Doing that destroyed the previous chat, by the way.
- Alia
Clicking on hand only displayed Cancel Request, Martin, no offer to download
- Lauren
Hello, here from Augusta, GA, US. https://www.facebook.com/lshlaurensamanthahughes | https://www.linkedin.com/in/laurensamanthahughes/
- Amelia
Hello from Amelia and Erik tuning in from Leverett, MA. Love this!
- Sara
thanks Alia 😉
- Alia
Holon is a word from Arthur Koestler and it is ia concept for a part that is composed of wholes and is also part of a whole.
- Sara
why is it called holons?
- Alia
and https://enliveningedge.org Look for About>Our Team
- Alia
http://exploringsecondandthirdtier.blogspot.com
- Alia
I would be introduced by two places
- Keith
My integral singles tag is KeithP
- Patricia
"Ordinary Mystic: Practicing the Presence www.currangalway.com.I am a wisdom teacher in the Bay Area.
- ferdinand
I am happy to communicate with you. This time I cannot join you live, because my camera and sound setup are not ready yet. Next week is will be okay. As to the topic around love in discussion I would like to give the following statement as a starting point of further discussions: Despite increasing social fragmentation, we are always is in need of being justified through an intimate relationship in which both partners accept one another such as they are. I believe that integral love is both the origin and the foundation of a strong personality. To be sure, going “my way” is good, but a reliable companion helps to find a common way to overcoming existential loneliness. Ferdinand from Germany
- Carole
Good morning Martin. Good to see you live!
- Eric
Hello Everyone, good to be with you today.
- Mary Linda
MaryLinda from Columbus, Ohio. Hello everyone.
- Patricia
I am Curran Galway author of O
- Keith
Hello from Canberra Australia
- Patricia
Hi everyone:
- Sara
yes to video
- Greg
Hello, Greg here from Denver, Colorado
- Alia
Hi Everyone, Alia Aurami from Seatle Washington USA!
- Damian
yes
- Carole
I'm connecting from Hawaii
- Keith
Yes!
- Fritz
I see it
- Gudrun
yes i see...
- Carole
yes I see the vidéo
- Fritz
Hi I am connecting from Greece
- Martin Ucik
Do you see the Video?
- Sara
Hi everyone. My name is Sara and situated in Denmark. Happy to be here 🙂
- Gudrun
Hallo, I am Gudrun. I am living in Schwäbisch Hall, Germany
- Carole
Hello! I'm here.
Thank you,
Martin
