It is an interesting phenomenon that men by any measure (life expectancy, physical health, job security, financial income, social status, sexual satisfaction, emotional stability, substance abuse, suicide rate, etc.) benefit more from being in love relationships than women do (unless they are in a really healthy relationship), but are usually much less interested in singles events, being on a dating website (unless they are just for hook-ups), and participating in relationship skills courses, trainings, and workshops.
So women always ask me: Where are the Integral Men???
I wonder what you think about the reasons I give below why that is, and what can be done about it? In other words, how can we attract more integral men? Maybe you can share this message with your single male friends to find out?
1. Men typically have to take the risk of rejection
Most women still expect men to make the first move. No matter how mature, it still hurts men to hear things like “I like you as a friend, but I am not romantically/sexually attracted to you”, or “you are out of my league”, or (in so many words) “I am looking for someone who I can marry up to (financially, physically, socially, etc).”
Men are also usually expected to “go the distance”, come up with creative activities, and pay for dates.
And with the MeToo movement (which I support), approaching women has become even harder, riskier, and more confusing for men.
Our solution: We offer a confidential way to indicate who the participants in our Integral Singles Events and Trainings are interested in, and only share their contact information if the attraction is mutual.
2. Men experience shame when they are rejected, while women experience fear about choosing the wrong partner
Brené Brown writes; “for men, the primary shame mandate is, ‘Do not be perceived as weak’ when they are triggered by a sense of failure—whether it is at work, on the football field, in bed, in marriage, or with children.”
So even admitting that they need a singles event or relationship training to find a partner and being rejected when they approach a woman may trigger shame for being deficient, a failure, or otherwise not desirable.
On the other side, women have the burden to choose and sometime a fear to reject.
It is much easier for men to assess which women meet their primary sexual fantasy for good “reproductive capacities/sexiness” than it is for women to asses which men (in addition to their good looks/height) have good “productive capacities” as reliable, trustworthy, and potent protectors and providers who are benevolent towards them and aggressive towards others.
A kind way for women to reject a man is to say something like; “thank you for asking, you really have good taste. I appreciate that you approached me and took the risk of rejection. I know it takes courage and strength. I am looking for a partner who (insert biological, growth, and transcendental purpose you want to share with a partner). Please tell me what you are looking for in a partner, maybe I know someone.”
Our solution: To understand the fear-shame dynamic between women and men, and to openly talk about it to create mutual understanding, compassion and intimacy, as we explore in Module 10: The Fear-Shame Downward Spiral of our training (https://integralrelationship.com/fear-shame-spiral/).
3. Men are typically more desirable and “lovable” when they focus on accumulating wealth, success, social status, and physical fitness, instead of developing relationship skills
Of course it would be ideal if men would do both, but they are often conflicted between pursuing their careers and maybe networking on one hand, and investing time and money in relationship trainings on the other.
I have even seen women who where suspicious of men who developed their relationship skills or joined spiritual groups, out of fear that they would manipulate them or are weak (a.k.a. Sensitive New-Age Guys).
On the other side, women often have a deeper interest in understanding themselves through others, and feel safer when they are with a partner, so they invest more into personal development and finding/attracting “The One”. A few years ago I was in a Calling in “THE ONE” training with 91 women and 3 men…
Our solution: In our trainings, we equally look at and explore the challenges that women AND men face in love relationships, and shift the sexual selection process from being overly focused on their biological primary sexual fantasies to selecting based on their shared growth and transcendental purpose. This allows couples to not only love each other, but even more so that which is uniquely co-created between them.
My hope with this message is to encourage more men and women to join us, as I feel very passionate about the Integral Relationship Vision that creates more love and harmony between the sexes and thus a better world.
So if you are single, join our three Valentine’s Day Integral Soulmate Networking and Matchmaking Events on February 14.